A big part of addiction is depression, and the awful catch 22 is that in order to fight the addiction you must endure your depression becoming worse before it gets better but in order to cure the depression, a lot of the time your addiction must get worse. It’s like there is no winning.
One of the worst things about depression though is the things it makes you do and feel; some things are just so irrational that even as you experience them you find yourself thinking it’s ridiculous – but you can’t help it.
One of my most ridiculous depression induced issues is addiction envy. Yes it’s exactly what it sounds like. I find myself getting jealous of other people’s problems. I’ll explain; recently I found a few food addiction recovery groups on Facebook, I joined them so I could have a support network of people who understand because I have yet to come across a physical one in Dubai. I’ve been reading other peoples stories and struggles and I have three feelings:
- I want to help, I want to offer advice and make people feel better, be someone else’s support just like people have been mine.
- I feel like a fraud, like everyone else’s stories that I am reading seem so much worse than my situation and I am making a big deal out of nothing. I am young, I have time to get better, I don’t have kids, I’m in a healthy relationship, I have supportive friends and family, what the hell am I moaning about. I just need to suck it up.
- I’m jealous, it’s had to explain but sometimes I find myself reading people stories and I am either envious of how far they are in their recovery – which I suppose is understandable – or I am jealous that they’re sick enough to be able to go to therapy and food addicts anonymous groups – all things that we don’t really have here in Dubai or I can’t afford. It’s not that I am jealous of how sick they are, like I want to be sicker (then I would worry and have to get professional help, I know).
It’s hard to deal with these feelings, and they are never all at the same time, it will be different days, different times, depending on my mood. I try to tell myself no, try to not feel like that but if you suffer with depression or not you should know; it’s not that easy.
Maybe it’s just me….